We have explored the personal hell that you can experience when the messages and signals to listen to your Disquiet go unheeded. The self doubts, feeling lost and questioning of purpose that toss you around in the middle of the night. And the messes in your life that can be created by taking unwise actions trying to dull or eradicate the pain with quick fixes or band-aids. Jumping into actions like rashly quitting a job, having an affair, leaving a marriage, extreme risk-taking and generally acting like an ass who is pretending to be 28 again.
But what about the pain and suffering to those you love? How does our lack of engaging our Disquiet impact our effectiveness as a dad?
Here is a rare chance to see that impact.
This is from a very rich dialogue from the blog, NOW about the impact of men’s struggles on their relationships. The author, Camille Crawford writes:
I think I felt the same resentment of my father’s naivety as you did because as children we need and want our fathers to be the picture of fulfillment. Sometimes, no often, they cannot do that. I think if a man were to understand himself, know his limitations and accept them, he could explain this to his children. But often they don’t, or can’t. There is one thing that I have learned about this resentment towards my father that did heal me, at least later in life and my admiration and respect for him has since increased; in resenting him for not being who I needed him to be, I was discarding the gift of his loving me in his own way, the only way he knew how.
I think this is a key issue. Growing up, I was trained by example and by social messages that as a man, I am not supposed to share my limitations. That is imprisoned deep inside. Instead, I was to show unconditional and limitless strength and resolve.
What I later learned is my self doubt and limitations leaked and oozed out in unskillful ways because I was so busy trying to contain them. Reminds me of when I tried to hide smoking as a teen and ate an onion to cover my breath. I naively didn’t realize my clothes and hair stunk to high heaven (smile).
When a man doesn’t engage his Disquiet for himself, he is going to impact those he loves the most in ways he never intended and feels helpless to avoid. The pain and suffering in the man, his family and in society from not engaging is enormous.
Camille went on to share an amazing letter she wrote to her father. (Note: her name used to be Stephanie). The letter was inspired by a template for such a letter in the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray
I share this letter here because it is a powerful insight into our impact as fathers struggling with Disquiet. Read with care what she wished she got for responses from her dad. May it spark ways for you to act – now – by turning into and working with your Disquiet.
A Love Letter
June 18, 2006
Dear Dad,I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
As a child…..
I didn’t like it that you were never home, that you were at work all the time. I felt frustrated that when you came home you criticized me for something. I was angry that I didn’t feel loved by you. I felt annoyed that I was powerless to do anything about my situation with you. I wanted your attention and love. I wanted you to come home.
I felt disappointed that you didn’t want to be with me. I was sad that my mom was unhappy because she missed you too. I felt hurt that you didn’t want to spend time with us. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you. I wanted to show you my love.
I felt worried that you would reject my advances. I was afraid that you really didn’t love me and mom. I felt scared that you were unhappy with us. I did not want to lose the little I had of you. I needed you to understand how I felt. I wanted you to alleviate my fears.
As a teenager….
I felt embarrassed that we didn’t have a loving family. I was sorry I was not good enough for you. I was ashamed to let anyone, including you, know how I felt. I didn’t want to make you angry or unhappy.
As an adult….
I want you to love me for who I am. I want to be supported in a loving way more than a financial way. I need your attention. I need you to listen to my troubles and problems without trying to fix them. I need you to trust me and encourage me to fix my own problems. I need you to accept me for who I am, what I have to give and the way in which I can give it. I love you very much, as much now as I did as a child. I understand that your hard work and absence was your way of loving us. I forgive you for not being there in the past. I appreciate that you worked hard to support us in your own way. I thank you for taking me and my mom into your life. I know that you loved us in the best way you knew how. I appreciate you and the hard work you did and still do. I know you are a good man worthy of being loved for who you are too. I trust you very much. I want you to continue to make a positive difference in my life.
Love Stephanie
P.S. The response I would have liked to hear from you when I was a child:
Dear Stephanie,
None of this is your fault. You are a brave and beautiful little girl. You deserve my attention and love. I want to give it to you but maybe I can’t. It’s okay to want me. I do love you very much. When you grow up you will find a wonderful man who can be there for you to love you as much as you need. I love you very much. Until you grow up, I will be there as much as I can. You can always ask for my love and I will give it at those times. You are enough for me and always will be my special little girl. I have problems with your mother, but they are not your fault. I don’t want you to feel responsible. Nor do I want you to believe that the same thing will happen to you. I understand how you feel. Trust that it will work out and when I’m not there, imagine me and I will be there for you. I love you so much, even more than you can imagine. So try hard to imagine the best life possible for yourself.
Love always,
Dad
P.S.S The response I would like to hear from you now:
Dear Stephanie
I am happy to read your love letter to me. Thank you very much for sharing your feelings. I will show more interest in your life. I will support you and encourage you. I will not criticize you. I will trust you more. I will do my best for you because I love you. Thank you for telling me what you want.
Love Dad
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